I’ve been thinking lately about how wonderful it is to have someone just get you. Someone who understands what makes you tick and isn’t trying to see you for someone who has gone ahead of you or walked beside you. I have extensive experience in folks not getting me and it is soooo frustrating. One of the things I share with my siblings and my children is that fact that all of us are TOs…Theological Offspring or PKs…Preacher’s Kids. And as wonderful as that may sound, it’s not that much fun. First of all, you are always wrestling with the church for your parent’s attention. And let me tell you, the church (and God?) always seems to trump the child! And second, nobody really sees past your role or position. You aren’t Ben or Cassie or Rachel or Brook…you are one of the pastor’s kids. And that’s where it seems to stop.
By the way, this bleeds into Cyndy’s experience as the spouse of a pastor as well. You don’t know how many times somebody comes up to Cyndy and enters a conversation with her that isn’t her conversation at all, but one this person has had with me, the pastor. For some reason they just assume that Cyndy and I have one brain! Cyndy isn’t a human being, but just an extension of me! Not a fun position to be. I remember interviewing for the pastor position at Vermillion UMC and Cyndy was there with me. And someone turned to her and actually asked, “Well, Cyndy, what do you bring to the table?” and then added. “As far as I’m concerned, I feel like we get 2 for the price of 1 with the pastor’s spouse!” I’m sure that made Cyndy want to get involved in the church…not!
One time I went to a pastor’s retreat, and we were studying a book by Henri Nouwen where he equated his relationship with the church (Henri is a priest) as a marriage. He as a groom and the church as the bride. (By the way this was a fairly common understanding of the priest/church relationship in those days). Cyndy took one look at the book and said, “I think I know what’s wrong with our marriage, Brook! You’ve got a second wife!” Ouch! Unfortunately, I think in this case she had a point!
TO’s and PK’s and the spouses of pastors have something in common: many of them not only feel like no-one gets them, but also feel like the church doesn’t even want or try to get them! Not a great feeling.
I’m not naïve enough to think that there aren’t a million ways out there that people don’t feel like someone really gets them. When I look out into the world right now, that’s one of my frustrations. Noone wants to get the other person! We want to label them before we listen to them. We want to point our finger at them and put them into a category so we don’t have to hear them, account for them, and love them.
One way to look at Jesus’ ministry is that he got people. He listened to them long enough to make them count. He listened to them in such a loving way that at the end not only did he make space for them, but they found a new space in themselves…a place of self-respect. Blind Bartimaeus, the woman at the well (by the way, I’m sure Jesus knew her name…no matter what the Bible depicts), Mary and Martha, Zacchaeus. The list can go on and on. The reason people followed Jesus, was because Jesus got it and got them!
And by the way, if Jesus got "these" folk, I am confident as I read the Bible, that Jesus would "get" and include transgendered folks, and every other person we, in our society, put in a box and label and argue over.
Too many times in life we see folks only for what they can do for us. Someone once called that the “power tool syndrome.” I get to know you because you have a boat, or because you are in a position of power, or because you would be a great musician in the church. We lean in because we see something that we can use.
No..no..no! We need to see folks the way Jesus sought to see them. As authentic human beings of worth…as gifts in their own very being!
The cool thing about doing this? Well, it’s been my experience that when I do that, a spirit is unleashed, a space opens in which the Holy enters. A space where not only “the other” is blessed, but a place I am blessed as well. We both leave that encounter better, more grace-filled human beings!
Not friend and pastor today…just good old me…Brook…vowing to see you not for your titles but for good old you!