I’ve never been a touchy/feely guy. As your pastor, I think you should probably be thankful for that. When I give a hug, I almost always ask for permission. And when I do give hugs, it’s almost always what I call the “United Methodist” kind. You know the kind...the gentle, sideways hug we were taught to give in our “safe sanctuaries” training seminars.
To be honest with you, though, my aversion to full-on, frontal hugs and “too much touch” comes from some very painful inappropriate touches in my own life. And ever since those incidents of inappropriate touch, I’ve had more than a healthy skepticism about touch. For instance, back in the day, when there was a bench seat in a car or pickup, and I was stuck in the ‘middle seat”? No thank you! Just not my scene. Interesting, right? Especially when you know that I spent much of my childhood riding in a VW bug with 9 other members of my family!
Add to this a history of leading communities of faith through the journey of discerning just what is and isn’t appropriate touch, and you can understand why it’s a struggle for me and so many. When someone misuses their power of touch in a “healing” community like a church its effect is devastating and often lasts for decades.
So why is it that lately I’ve detected, in the depths of my heart, a need for healthy, appropriate, safe touch?
Well, I think it comes down to two things: one is the pandemic. Going through the pandemic and watching the aftermath of that play out in our communities has changed us. That fear of contacting or giving a deadly disease to someone has taken a terrible toll on us. All of those zoom meetings, and remote gatherings, and mask mandates, have caused many of us to consciously or subconsciously create an aversion to touch. We are a group of people who now see touch as a risk. And because we’ve done it so long, we now see loneliness and isolation as normal. It’s just who we are now. And I have come to realize that for me, this is just not working. I don’t want to live lonely and isolated. I need community! And a healthy community involves touch.
My second reason for realizing that touch is crucial to my existence, and you are going to laugh at this one, is that I am now a proud owner of a golden doodle dog who can’t not touch me! When I get home from work. my dog, Piff (short for Epiphany), greets me with a full-frontal hug...I mean it is so inappropriate! I mean she practically tackles me! Add to that the fact that she is a very wet kisser, and you have a touch violator extraordinaire! I mean, by all accounts, I should impound this dog for violating every rule of our safe sanctuary policy. This girl is all touch! When I sit down on my spot on the couch, she doesn’t sit at my feet. Oh no! She jumps right up on the couch and lays her body not next to me, but over the top of me. She’s like a 50-pound weighted blanket intent on covering every inch of me. And once I’m on the couch she refuses to leave! Most of the evening she is glued to me. I can literally feel and hear her heartbeat pounding against my chest. Sometimes it’s so loud I have to turn up the TV!
And guess what? I love it! It is the greatest feeling I’ve had in a long time! It is probably the one thing that has gotten me through the pandemic and beyond. I would have never believed it, but Piff has convinced me that touch is absolutely vital to our human existence.
So now the tricky part: if touch is a vital part of a healthy person’s life, how do we go about using this incredible gift in our personal lives and in our communities?
Well, here are some of my thoughts:
One: Always ask for permission. If you see someone who you feel may need a hug...ask! Practice saying this: “Hey, you look like you might need a hug just now, would it be OK if I gave you one?”
Two: If you are going to give a hug, learn to do the United Methodist Safe Sanctuary hug! That gentle sideways hug is much more appropriate than a full frontal one!
Three: Touch doesn’t have to come in a hug. I have found that a gentle pat on the shoulder works just as well. And again, always ask permission. Consent is always a number one priority!
Four: Remember your need or sense of touch isn’t the same as the people around you. Just because you feel the need, doesn’t mean the other person has that same need! Some people have perfectly good reasons not to be touched, and we need to respect that.
Five: If you feel the need to increase healthy touch in your life, consider these approaches:
a. Message therapy. Massage therapy has been shown to ease depression, increase attentiveness, and enhance immune function.
b. If message therapy is too touchy/feely consider a manicure or pedicure.
c. Pets are a great option.
d. And if pets aren’t an option, try a weighted blanket.
e. One last idea, if you have a significant other, consider taking a dancing class together. Cyndy and I did this a couple of years ago and we found that there was something surprisingly healing about touching each other in an intimate, safe, non-sexual way. And, for us, dancing worked. PS: If dancing isn't your thing, try a five minute hug every day! That can work too!
Your pastor and friend, learning that healthy touch can be healing, Brook
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