About 10 years ago, my mother was living with us, and because of that our relationship changed a bit. It used to be that we would go up to the little town of Howard about a weekend a month and when I got there, Mom would have a “honey-do” list waiting for me. I was the son, and she was the mother and that’s what sons did for moms. That was our relationship. It was more than that, but it did have that element to it. Mom grew up in an era where work was the way men were to show their love. I must admit that I wasn’t very good at it. I’m not a handy person. For instance, don’t ever ask me to change storm windows…I’m kind of scared of ladders! But for mom, I did climb ladders and I did mow lawns and I did try to fix the basement step. Why? Because that’s how sons loved moms in my family.
But then she moved in with us. And she started going to church with us. And she joined a small Bible study I was in. And we started eating meals together. And to play games like scrabble. She joined in on our discussion of the family.
One day she decided to start writing a small “biography” about each of her siblings. This was not a small order because mom had 11 of them! And one morning she came up the stairs in tears. I asked her what was wrong, and she handed me 3 pages of her biography. On the top of the page were just the words “Mary”. And as I read I too wept as I learned of my poor aunt and her experience of being raped by the neighbor’s field hands. She had an intellectual disability and struggled to put into words what had happened to her. And because of the shame of that experience Mary was treated very unfairly in her life.
Mom and I sat arm in arm for a while as she shared her pain with me. And as we sat together, we began to realize that our relationship was changing. The dynamics were different.
About a week later Mom sat down with me for toast and coffee and she asked me a strange question. “Brook, I wonder if we might try an experiment. What if you didn’t call me Mom anymore. What would happen if you called me Elsie.”
She went on to share with me that sometimes she felt like we were so stuck in our roles that we couldn’t be more to each other. She felt like Mom and Son so dominated who we were that it limited how we could see each other.
I think Mom was on to something.
I read recently in a book called “Us” by Terrence Real that you can’t really love someone if your relationship has an unequal power dynamic. He shares in his book that too many marriages are set up that way. Where one spouse has an unequal power advantage over the other. Sometimes it’s because of income levels. If, for instance, one spouse is the chief money maker and the other stays home, they have to be very careful not to let that “power advantage” disrupt the power dynamic of their relationship. Because, if it becomes too pronounced, their relationship will not be one of true love.
That’s why Real believes that men and women today need to learn how to speak with “soft power”. Here’s just a little excerpt about it from his writings:
Learn How to Speak with Soft Power
A critical key to getting to fierce intimacy is speaking to your partner in a way that deals with the issues and eradicates a state of festering. This is what Real calls “soft power.” It is speaking to each other with loving, firm, clear, honest power.
Here’s why that is so critical: Real says there is an old constrictive narrative in our individualistic, patriarchal world that says we can either be connected or powerful, but we cannot be both. The traditional setup is connection, affiliation, accommodation = “feminine power” and independence, autonomy, competence = “masculine power.” But the truth is, we can be both, says Real. We can be loving and powerful. “What I’m teaching people, men and women, in particular, is how to speak firmly and lovingly in the same breath. How to cherish your partner and say no to them in the same sentence.”
Real gives an example: If you’re aggravated with your partner, you could say:
· “I don’t like how you’re talking to me.” That’s the power position.
· Or: “I want to hear what you have to say, sweetheart. Could you tone it down and change your tone so I could hear you?” That’s the soft power position.
“What a difference this is,” says Real. “These are two ways of saying the same thing, but in the second way you’re saying: ‘I cherish you while I’m confronting you.’
Mom’s intuition was so on! She was asking me in a loving way if we could change the power dynamics of our relationship so that we could love each other in a deeper way. We still struggle with this. Calling Mom by Elsie is strange. And sometimes we slip lovingly back into it. But Elsie has helped us see each other differently.
This Fall season Bear Creek is working hard at tearing down the fences that we put up with our neighbors…wherever they may be. Spend some time this week thinking about the power dynamics between you and your neighbors. Is there a way you can begin to learn how to use “soft power” in your dialogue with them or your spouse or your family?
My son, Wes, is back in our midst. Wes is 30 now. For years we have been in a dysfunctional power dynamic. I am working hard on soft power approaches between us. I ask for your prayers.
Shalom, your pastor learning the gifts of using soft power, Brook
PS: If you want to see "Elsie" at her finest...here's a video of her 5 years ago playing with Emerson! Elsie and Emerson
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